Helpful Definitions
Sobriety: Refraining from engaging in sexually compulsive behaviors.
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a psychological tactic used to manipulate and distort someone’s perception of reality, memory, or mental stability. According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting involves:
1. Prolonged psychological manipulation, causing the victim to question their thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. This manipulation typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, emotional stability, and dependence on the perpetrator.
2. Grossly misleading someone for personal advantage.
The Oxford English Dictionary describes gaslighting as using psychological methods to make someone question their sanity or reasoning abilities through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying. Tormoen (2019) views it as a conscious or unconscious form of psychological abuse where a perpetrator distorts information to confuse a victim, causing them to doubt their memory and sanity.
Recovery: An emotional and mental space in which a person is in a consistent pursuit of health and freedom from the compulsive behavior. This space exists with a heart change.
Relapse: A return to compulsive sexual behaviors after a period of recovery.
Triggers: Internal or external cues that can provoke urges and behaviors related to compulsive sexual behavior. To dismiss something means to reject it, ignore it, or decide it is not important.
Spiritual Bypass: Using spiritual language, beliefs, or practices (like prayer, forgiveness, “giving it to God,” positivity, or scripture) to escape, numb, or avoid uncomfortable emotions, trauma, conflict, accountability, or needed psychological work.
A few quick examples to make it real:
Saying “I’ve forgiven them, so it’s fine” instead of dealing with real hurt or boundaries.
Using “God is in control” as a way to avoid hard conversations or responsibility.
Minimizing trauma by calling it “a test of faith” instead of processing it.
Replacing grief or anger with forced positivity or “peace.”